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Testing One's Limits

Testing one's limits may create a risk factor but it is the only way to find out what you are truly capable of." mc reinhardt 

For some, it will be just the being next to the human being they love most. 

For some, it will be the dream of a long wish, and the anticipated fulfillment  of such is the fuel of the driving engine.

For some, it is the bike ride at any moment steaming onto the winding paths  that lay ahead demanding full concentration that brings peace to the mind and soul.

For some, it is the writing of words that convey dreams and hopes.

For some it is this or nothing, or something else. 

Being is. Being is in-itself. Being is what it is. (Satre)

What is it?

For me, it is the unknown tarrain that will challenge all I have - my body, my soul, my worries, my fear, and my capabilities, my happiness with who I have become --- and always a question of what I will become. It is the absilute silence in which I stand and hear only my thoughts, but also feel my senses active at the highest level. It is there, where I find peace and my troubles ease.

To find how my knees will do, I seek to see for myself. I need to feel it. 

To find out where I belong and what I want to do, this is one environment that gives me the opportunity to search. 

Therefore, I will go today and weight my options of another attempt on Mt. Whitney during winter. Why winter? because it is not a mad house like in summer with hundreds of people on the mountain, no permit, the solitude of snow and probably no one else on the mountain, the challenge under winter conditions, and the scenery.

For me, it is definitely being able to step a step and see A! path. The outcome is not so important as the path I am writing into the nothing...


 

 

The Surprise

So, yesterday I wrote about my thoughts and serendipity. During the night of Nikolaus, I woke up at 5 am and was awake for the next two hours. The night was cold, it was 2 grad Celcius. I wrote Thomas an email about what a home means, as those thoughts come and go. My fingers were cold and I tried to go back to sleep. I managed to fall asleep again. I also remember seeing the first sign of the day as I digged deeper into the sleeping bag to keep my nose warm.

The next thing I remember is that I heard a sound. It was our backyard door. As I opened my eyes....I saw Thomas, he was coming towards me, the same way I had dreamed about it some days ago. He was here, here with me. He came all the way up from LA to give me a gift, and to spend the day with me. I was in awe.
The whole day I was in awe and could not believe that one had done that for me. The moment I did not expect anything at all, it came to me. I felt lucky like I felt as a kid. And I was happy to have Thomas around me for one whole day. That was a Nikolaus I will always remember.
This was also the first night I slept inside the house, in a room. It was warm, I could hear the heater going on and off many times during the night, as the morning came and people were preparing for the day it was noisy, and I felt a distinct comfort level as I was not alone.

My wish came true.

There isn't any formula or method, we learn to love by loving.

A nice evening with too much Sangria...

between then and now

Today is the night before Nikolaus-day. When I was young, I would clean the biggest shoe I had and put it outside our flat. I knew that the next morning something would be in that boot. I knew that my mother would make sure, with all care and love, that I would be happy the moment I would dig into that boot and bring out the stuff she had put in overnight.

Today, I was finishing a bathroom remodeling project for my friends. I was in my thoughts about those years. I thought I had many wishes, mostly small once, but they would always come true.

Today, I had a rough day. I felt like nothing comes true I wish for, no matter how hard I try. I also learned that I do not trust anybody, except for one person. And that,  this is the reason my wishes come not true.

I was wondering what has changed - me or the times.

Just as I was surrounded by this thought, my friend Carmen came to me and started to talk with me.

We talked a while and finally I saw that they had bought me something and a  card. It was at my desk in their house.

Serendipity? I do not know. Today we also got our fridge after a week of no fridge in a household of 9 people. Between soccer, music lessons, shopping, and driving of some of the kids, they got me this cutting board, the biggest available, and cutting knifes - an early xmas gift, for me to continue what I had started- maybe to find back into a life with a home and job. There it was at my desk. A card saying piece, hope and love for Utele, from the crazy Hähnchen. I am puzzeled in what to do.

Today, I also thought of quitting all that, since I feel I lost my recently gained "home-base".

I am not sure what to do.I am not sure what is right.

If I could put a boot ouside for tomorrow morning, I would know that I would not get what I wish for.

But not having put out a boot at all, I got what I wished for days ago. I should be happy with what I have.

I am thankful for the love I feel in this house...to trust is what I need.

Unique Quilted Christmas Calendars

Finished my first production line - 2009 Quilted Advent Calendars - see my unique items on http://www.craftio.com/ or at etsy.com via the links on the product pictures.

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade Craftio.etsy.com

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